TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But yes, sure, let us have An additional location wherever American Adult males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Everybody a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he must stop employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that Trump Tower Damascus the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from space, a feature staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "the place's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting attention from Intercontinental buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have switch-down provider."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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